Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations

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3 Sentence Summary

Successful negotiating is all about being tough on the problem, but soft on the people. Each chapter in this sequel to Getting To Yes describes an insightful strategy for turning adversaries into negotiating partners. Learn the tricks for controlling your emotions and the tactics of gentle persuasion to turn confrontation into cooperation and get what you want.

5 Key Takeaways

1. Control your own emotions and maintain perspective over your objective.
2. Don’t argue. Listen and acknowledge the other side’s position.
3. Ask open ended questions to reframe the other side’s position so that it is focused on attacking the problem.
4. Let the solution belong to the other side.
5. Educate the other side to see that working together is the only way forward.

Getting Past No Summary

Overview & Prologue

• Joint problem solving is soft on the people, but hard on the problem
• Your single greatest opportunity as a negotiator is to change the game
• For every meeting, prepare. After every meeting, assess your progress, adapt your strategy, and prepare again. The secrets of effective negotiation is that simple. Prepare, prepare, prepare
• People’s perception of the facts is more important than the facts themselves. Unless you understand their perspective, you are never going to be effective at making deals or settling disputes

Clearing Away the 5 Barriers to Mutual Agreement

Barrier #1: Your natural reaction to lash out under stress or fear.

• Regain your mental balance
• Stay focused on what you want to achieve
• Remove your feelings from the situation
• “Go to the balcony” to get a higher perspective

Barrier #2: The other side’s negative emotions.

• Resist getting sucked into an argument
• Help the other side regain their mental composure
• Defuse negative emotions by doing the opposite of what they expect
• They expect you to behave like an adversary. Instead, take their side, listen, and acknowledge their points and feelings
• “Step to their side” to face the problem together

Barrier #3: The other side digs into a position and tries to get you to give in.

• Do not reject their position. This will only lead them to dig in further
• Do the opposite. Accept whatever they say and reframe it as an attempt to deal with the problem
• Act like they are your partner and are genuinely interested in solving the problem
• “Reframe” their position to attack the problem

Barrier #4: The other side’s dissatisfaction with the proposed agreement.

• The other side may be dissatisfied or unconvinced of the benefits
• Do not push them, but do the opposite
• “Build them a golden bridge” between their interests and yours
• Help them save face by making the outcome look like a victory for them

Barrier #5: The other side still sees the negotiating table as a win-lose proposition.

• Do not resort to threats or coercion
• “Use power to educate” by showing them that they cannot win by themselves, but only together with you

1. Don’t React: Go to the Balcony

• Striking back rarely advances your immediate interest and usually damages your long-term relationships. Even if you do win the battle, you may lose the war
• Sometimes we are intimidated and appease unreasonable people under the illusion that if we give in just this one time, we will get to them off our back and will never have to deal with them again. All too often, however, such people come back for further concessions
• A third common reaction is to break off relations with the difficult person or organization. Breaking off is frequently a hasty reaction that we come to regret later
• When you react, you are hooked
• Objects react. Mind’s can choose not to
• Going to the balcony means distancing yourself from your natural impulses and emotions
• Make a mental note when you detect a possible trick or subtle attack. Neutralize it by naming it, and keep it in mind as a possibility, not a certainty. Look for additional evidence, remembering that difficult people barely limit themselves to a single tactic
• We live and work in competitive environments. So expect verbal attacks and don’t take them personally. Remember that your accusers are hoping to play on your anger, fear, and guilt
• You need only to disconnect the automatic link between emotion and action. Feel the anger, frustration, or fear. Even imagine attacking your opponent if you like. But don’t channel your feelings and impulses into action
• Negotiations are more productive when they are broken up by frequent timeouts
• Never make an important decision on the spot. Go to the balcony and make it to there
• The first thing you need to do in a negotiation is not to control the other person’s behavior but to control your own

2. Don’t Argue: Step To Their Side

• The mistake, a common one, is in trying to reason with a person who is not receptive. Your words will fall on deaf ears or be misconstrued
• The secret of disarming is surprise. To disarm the other side, you need to do the opposite of what they expect
• Stepping to their side means doing three things: listening, acknowledging, and agreeing
• Listening requires patience and self-discipline. Instead of reacting immediately or plotting your next step, you have to remain focused on what your counterpart is saying
• Effective negotiators listen far more than they talk
• After listening to the other side, the next step is to acknowledge their point. Every human being, no matter how impossible, has a deep need for recognition. By satisfying that to need you can help create a climate for agreement
• Perhaps the most powerful form of acknowledgement is an apology
• If somebody says something that you disagree with 99% acknowledge the 1% that you do agree with. It is natural to focus on differences because differences caused the problem. At the outset, however, you are better off focusing on your common ground
• The key word in agreement is “Yes.” Yes is a magic word, a powerful tool for disarming the other side. Look for occasions when you can say yes to them without making a concession

3. Don’t Reject: Reframe

• Reframing means redirecting the other side’s attention away from positions and toward the task of identifying interest, inventing creative options, and discussing fair standards for selecting an option
• Ask a question that cannot be answered by “No.” In other words, make it open ended
• The single most valuable tool in reframing is the problem solving question. A problem solving question focuses attention on the interests of each side, the options for satisfying them, and the standards of fairness for resolving differences
• Use questions like “Why not?” or “What if?”
• Ask for their advice
• If they propose something that sounds unreasonable to you, don’t reject it, but ask, “You must have good reasons for thinking that’s a fair solution. I’d like to hear them.”

4. Don’t Push: Build Them A Golden Bridge

• The other side may reject the proposal simply because it wasn’t their idea
• Unmet interests. you may be overlooking one of your counterparts basic interests
• Fear of losing face. No one wants to look bad to his or her constituents
• Too much too fast. Your counterpart to may resist because the prospect of agreeing appears overwhelming
• In the absence of a third party, you need to mediate your own agreement
• One of the most common negotiating mistakes is to announce that you have found the solution to the problem
• The simplest way to involve the other side is to ask for their ideas
• You have to jettison three common assumptions: (1) that the other side is irrational and can’t be satisfied, (2) that all they basically want is money, and (3) that you can’t meet their needs without undermining yours
• By moving progressively from the easier to the more difficult issues, you can get the other side into the habit of saying yes and show them that agreement is possible

How To Build A Golden Bridge

1. Involve the other side in crafting the agreement
2. Look beyond their tangible needs, such as money, to address their more intangible needs, such as recognition or autonomy
3. Help them save face as they back away from their initial position. Find a way for them to present the agreement to their constituents as a victory.
4. Go slow to go fast. Guide them step by step across the bridge.

5. Don’t Escalate: Use Power to Educate

• If they won’t go across the golden bridge, then you need to make it as hard as possible for them to say “No.”
• Yet the harder you make it for them to say “No,” the harder you make it for them to say “Yes.” That is the power paradox
• Use your power to educate the other side to see that the only way for them to win is for both of you to win together. Act as if they have simply miscalculated how best to achieve their interests
• A threat appears subjective and confrontational, while a warning appears objective and respectful
• The more restraint you exercise, the less negative the other side reaction is likely to be
• Counter-attacking, however, will often result in a futile confrontation. The more effective approach is to neutralize your opponent’s attack without striking back
• For every ounce of power you use, you need to add an ounce of conciliation
• You need to design an agreement that induces the other side to keep their word and protects you if they don’t. You don’t need to act disrespectful. Act independently of trust
• Build in a dispute resolution procedure
• Be generous at the very end. Resist the natural temptation to fight over the last crumb

3 Reality Testing Questions

1. What do you think will happen if we don’t agree?
2. What do you think I will do?
3. What will you do?

Concluding Stories

Here are a couple of stories from the final chapter that illustrate the power of these negotiating principles.

Abraham Lincoln

“During the American Civil War, Abraham Lincoln made a speech in which he referred sympathetically to the Southern rebels. An elderly lady, a staunch Unionist, upbraided him for speaking kindly of his enemies when he ought to be thinking of destroying them. His reply was classic: ‘Why, madam,’ Lincoln answered, ‘do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?'”

17 Camels

“There is a story of a man who left seventeen camels to his three sons. He left half the camels to his eldest son, a third to his middle son, and a ninth to his youngest. The three set to dividing up their inheritance but soon despaired of their ability to negotiate a solution – because seventeen could not be divided by two or three or nine. The sons approached a wise old woman. After pondering the problem, the old woman said, ‘See what happens if you take my camel.’ So then the sons had eighteen camels. The eldest son took his half – that was nine. The middle son took his third – that was six. And the youngest son took his ninth – that was two. Nine and six and two make seventeen. They had one camel left over. They gave it back to the wise old woman.”

More Books Like Getting Past No

If you enjoyed Getting Past No, check out these similar book summaries:

• Getting To Yes
• Dealmaking
• How to Win Friends and Influence People
• Emotional Intelligence
• The Art of War